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Dan, 1996 – 1998

Posted by melagee on August 17, 2005

I would dance with you, but you turned the music off a long time ago.

An image crosses quickly before my eyes and I am forced to sit in repose and consider you. I knew you then. I knew you when you were younger than your years and forced to be somewhere you did not want to be. I knew you and you knew me much better than anyone else, but not nearly as well as you thought you did. Not nearly as well as I thought you did.

So much has passed, so much has gone, so much is over but will never ever end. You are there while I am here. You are there with nothing and I am here with everything, and I wonder which of us got the better deal. I do not see you as often as I used to, but there are still places where I cannot escape you. You have no memories to keep you awake, but you have no memories to keep you warm.

I would dance with you, but my legs have forgotten how.

It does not hurt the way you expect it to. If I did not know myself so well, I would not know that it hurt at all. I remember you the way I remember old songs, missing parts of the chorus. Or sometimes the chorus is all I remember. It does not now feel the way I ever anticipated it would in the beginning, and for that I am thankful.

You bruised me then. You damaged me. But with my 20/20 hindsight, I understand that you only wanted me to be more like you. So you broke me. But in breaking me, you helped me to learn how to put myself back together again.

I would dance with you, but I just don’t want to anymore.


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