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Why do they SCREAM so much??!

Posted by melagee on October 15, 2009

I just had the most interesting conversation with a coworker.

We were talking about her daughter, and kids in general, and I mentioned that I probably wouldn’t ever have kids because I don’t want any, and she said she doesn’t blame me and understands why.  She then went on to tell me that her daughter was a mistake.  “But,” I said, “You were trying to get pregnant, weren’t you?”

“Yes,” she said, “But it was a mistake.  My instincts told me to be a mother, and I find that I don’t like it.  I’m not cut out for it.”

“Well, it all worked out for the best.”  I said.

“Not really.”  She shrugged.  “It would have been better if I hadn’t gotten pregnant.”

I laughed because I still didn’t quite understand what she was saying to me.  “But you love your daughter!”

“Of course I do, and I would give my life for her, but it was a mistake for me to have kids.”

“But it’s not like you would do things differently if you had the chance!”

“I would do things differently.  If I could do it all over, knowing what I know now, I would not have kids.”

“…And just live your life without your daughter?”


I don’t really know what to say to this, so I kind of change the subject.  I thought it was really interesting to hear someone say that they love their child, but if they could go back and undo the existence of their child, they would.  How does that work?  Especially if you are making the decisions based on what you know now – that means you would go back in time, prevent the conception and birth of the daughter you love so much, and then continue with the rest of your life with the memory of a daughter who never existed.  I…what am I missing here?  I am trying to make sense of that concept and not just have a gut reaction to it, because I know how frustrated I get when people are “confused” by the fact that I don’t want to have children.

Despite the fact that I really don’t understand my coworker’s ideas about changing the past, I do understand her contention that it was a mistake for her to have kids.  I understand using hindsight to reflect on past deeds and admit that the things you did were not necessarily in your best interest, even if they were things that you wanted at the time.  I think that if more people took the time to consider this possibility, maybe there would be fewer unwanted and abused children in the world.  Or maybe that is a gross oversimplification.  Who knows?  What I do know is that it makes me even less likely to ever have kids (if that’s even possible).

And in recent news, I am apparently more afraid of commitment than anyone ever in the entire history of the world.


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