melagee

work in progress

Some Thoughts on Being Fat

Posted by melagee on October 15, 2012

My friends are so beautiful, and it makes me horribly sad to see them hate on themselves. I understand the feelings – I empathize with them. I have spent so much time hating various parts of myself, and learning to love me has been and continues to be an uphill battle. I hope that someday I and every one of the wonderful people in my life know what it’s like to fully love every part of ourselves effortlessly.

Once I wrote a blog about trying on a bra, and at the risk of repeating myself, I am going to tell a similar story.

This past weekend I went to a clothing sale at Cherry Velvet Plus. They are mostly an online retailer selling pretty dresses for plus sized ladies. Because they’re not an actual retail outlet, the changing areas are really just portable screens, and don’t necessarily provide the full amount of coverage that you might like or expect. I was down to my underpants, wiggling into pretty dresses, and I was only hidden from about half the room. At one point the designer asked if I would mind if she came over to my side of the room for something, and I said “Sure. I don’t mind if other ladies see me in my underpants.”

This is true. Well, it’s mostly true. It’s about 80% true. But the part of me that said “Noooo, she will see how fat I am!” was squished down by the part of me that is stubborn and knows better and refuses to be cowed. The fact is, I know I am fat, and the dress designer knows I am fat, and everyone who meets me knows that I am fat. Whether another person sees me in my underpants or not makes no difference in how fat I actually am. Whether I see the photos taken of me or not, whether I allow photos to be taken, it doesn’t change who I am and what I look like. And I am okay with that.

Well, I am about 65% okay with that. But only because I know that trying not to be fat only makes me more miserable. Depriving myself of the things I enjoy, or forcing myself to do things I hate: that is not the way I want to live my life. I would like to get my emotional eating under control, but that is because I want my mental health to be strong, not because I want to be thin. What I want, more than anything, is to accept me for the way I am, whether it is fat, REALLY FAT, or not so fat. And I cannot reconcile being okay with my body with also trying to lose weight. I can’t. Maybe other people can, but I cannot. So I am making no effort – ZERO EFFORT – to be thinner or lose weight in any way. I am taking effort away from spin classes and dieting and putting it into convincing myself not to give a fuck if I take up more than my allotted space on the bus. I am telling myself that I can have back fat and cellulite and still wear nice things and be pretty. I am doing this, and I have been doing this, because I love the person I am inside my body, and I want to love who I am all over. And I deserve that, and fuck it even if people think I don’t deserve it I WANT IT and I will have it.

I’m not going to spend the rest of my life trying to change who I am. I’m not going to wait for life to begin. My life is happening right now, and I’m determined to enjoy it as much as possible, which leaves little-to-no time for hating.

I will still hate horrible people, though.

My friends are lovely and wonderful, and I want them to see that I understand how they feel about themselves sometimes, and I want them to see how I am fighting it, and I want them to fight it too, and maybe if we all fight it together, (in whatever way works for you) it will be so much easier.

I am full of optimism.

xoxoxoxoxo

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